At the blink of an eye... it's almost 2 months since i started work! & I'm badly missing school... Not that I hate my job, i find myself starting to enjoy some parts of it, although a large part of it is just repeating myself everyday. hahaha...the bulk of my work requires me to create emails to blast out to potential delegates for the conference. Well, although it's everyday creating email, the good part of it is no 2 emails look exactly the same. =) I get to play ard with the colors.. rearrange things here and there. haha.. somehow.. it makes work less boring. =)

I'm also thankful for the nice director the Lord has placed me in... colleagues i can click with.. brothers in christ in the co, one of whom happens to be my ex sec sch senior! He's like an older brother cum mentor to me sometimes.. when I'll share some struggles in work and find that I can have an older, Godly perspective.

There's so much I can complain about. Yet at the same time, i know there's a lot I can give thanks for. Well, the glass can be half empty, or half full. keke... today i received news tt a friend of my is quitting her job after 2 wks! I'm thankful that God has placed me here.. i know He'll provide for all I need.

Actually many times.. when i make mistakes.. and get v bad review or remarks... or blames... i actually get upset why God places such storms in my life! But somehow..these mistakes are really humbling experiences... these mistakes also teach me to be more matured.. to handle my emotions, to let go.. and to not take things too personally.

Hoi bim... y u ignoring me on msn!! :(

Ok sorry, that's not a gd entry statement to my blog entry. wahhaha... i'm chatting w SD, who I think seriously thinks im a BO. sigh.. alrighty, what to do, left my brains in the office. I might go blonde my hair tmr. seriously.

Went to roller blade today. U cant believe, i fell flat ON MY FACE AT THE HAWKER CENTRE! :( how stupid right.. all becos of ONE SMALL STEP. LEsson to learn: blade faster, so u'll go over the step! I miss skating... i miss having a good workout. Kind of miss JC PE lessons.. haha.. wait till ting hears this. She'll flip at the mention of PE lessons. bleah.

Had a great TGIF yday... prepared my testimony last min, like while they were watching the movie. haha.. although i thought of many things to say.. in the end.. don't quite rem wot i shared too. haha.. and i was willing myself most of the time not to cry. In the end.. cried while praying for them all. sigh.

I feel stressed out by work! This wk, I've been dreaming abt work (how bad can it be?) and abt things i need to settle at work. Sigh.. ANd I find my thoughts filled with work... I wished it was filled with God. I wish I could protect my spiritual hunger better... I wish I can have a Holy Fire injection soon...

So tired. I seem to be tired every single day. Slept 9 hrs this morning.. still like not enuff. wished I slept 19 hrs.. hahahah

Today is the earliest I've reached home in a few wks! Got home at 720pm... can't believe how early I am! Supposed to go for salsa tonight, but I'm too tired, plus YY didnt want to go. So... just waste the last lesson. It became a torture after a few wks, because by thurs EVENING, I'd have been REALLY REALLY tired... it's good to be home. Checking emails.. doing some reading.. writing my blog...

Yday's leaders' mtg was rather fruitful for me. It made me think of many things... after G12 conf, everyone is talking abt being a conqueror. What does being a conqueror means...?? What do I want to conquer... what is it tt I'm conquering... Just last wk, i had a long conv over msn with pastor. He challenged me to believe, to believe that I can overcome, to stop saying that everything is "very hard", to believe that with God, I'll overcome, to believe that God will provide... I realised, the battle really isnt against flesh and blood, but the battle for me is conquering my own mindset. It's to put away the attitude of unbelief and start to have faith.

I went to work today, determined that I won't want to struggle with male authority. I decided... I need to see my boss as a friend and a superior. I think i did better today.. at least i think it's less awkward. hahaha

today i had lunch with xavier.. he's my sec sch senior, 3 yrs senior... last time i know him becos he was courting my gd friend. hahaha... then yday we had a short chat b4 i left.. realised he attends Covenent!! then the v ON tt kind!! (Don't think of asking me to chope him.. he's engaged. haha) then he told me he's planning to have this weekly prayer mtg for the office. so happening! then over lunch today... i asked what they wanna pray for.. seems like just go some quiet corner and fast and pray. hoho....

It's funny.. cos on my way home, i bumped into one of my mgrs, who is a christian and we started talking abt church. At first, when i heard he's methodist, i thought his whole family are christians. I guess my impression is always methodist are family churches. haha then today realised he's the oni christian... so dun look like... aye frenzy.. stop judging a book by it's cover!

Got co. bbq tmr... i'm going with this colleague to skate first. haha.. but now i feel a bit lazy to bring my skates le.. wonder if she'll be mad if i say i dun wanna skate afterall... haha.

AeM, I just saw ur comments. haha what's "Rabbit's"?? hahaha... i got my first cheque le!! when we going hangout man!!! Btw, how's ur honeymoon??? Muz share w me when we nx meet ok... miss ya!!

I've been mtg pple for lunches this whole mth at work, it's unbelievable. Actually it's fun, sometimes see my colleagues too long... don't really wanna eat w them. overdose of them. haha... Recently had lunch w Shek... eh i still think u nv put on wt leh... tell junior to eat more fish. Good for his brain... but eating healthy without fats is oso gd. haha. Anyway I enjoyed my lunch thoroughly... and help me to un-knot what i have been thinking for some time. I think i'm always searching, for someone who will guide me... to have godly views of things, esp at work. Work seems so new to me... and all the things tt're happening is causing lotsa tension w/i myself. sigh.

I just did a big boo boo at work today, sent an email blast out to a grp of pple which I should have cleaned off the database. In the end, my mgr took the rap for me, and replied saying it's a huge oversight on her part, i feel so bad about it! Shucks... I think i'm getting a bit scared of making mistakes. I'm scared abt the emails I'll send out tmr. I'm scared i screw something up again. Sigh....

What's done cannot be undone. Aye... why am i so scared.

I'm off to bed... too tired. Went for an event at 730am today.. and woke up at 715. haha.. in the end reach at 8am. Don't wanna be late tmr...

Feel like I'm going into a season of "a lot of changes" again. & it isn't easy to cope with the things that seem to be happening, the emotions that seems to be entangled with it.

I did not mean to react so strongly on sunday. But everytime I'm accused, I start to remember how my mum used to always scold me when things happen. cos she always stands by the belief that she can scold her own children but not other pple's children. So when quarrels break out btw me and my cousins, friends etc, it's always my fault. This time, I may have a part to play in the conflict... but I wanted her to recognise that I also tried... very hard.

In the midst of reflecting over the reasons that might have caused me to struggle so hard... it surfaced a lot of issues and baggages... the reason I am afraid. The funny thing was, just when I think I know the reason why I struggle with my 2 guy managers, this morning, there was a internal marketing reshuffling. Now I'm not going to work for the 2 guys anymore... I'll be working for 2 female managers. This change makes me feel I'm starting all over again. Just when i felt I have started building a working r/s with the 2 managers, now I've to start all over again to build that r/s with another 2 person. This is tough... & I'm starting to be afraid of the changes.

Fearful.. but what to do.. life goes on.

All in His Hands.

Haven't had the luxury like this today, to check emails leisurely, read blogs.. and even blog!!! So tired after work everyday, last weds i slept at a record early time: 930pm!! haha.. u can imagine how tired I was. Actually I'm also very tired today, slept on the bus on the way to tuition (prolly looking v unglam, but was too tired to bother) haha. It's really a mental struggle to go tuition man, by the time i reach, i'm already super duper seh. One more mth to endure, she's having exams on 5th May. Soon soon...

I have a love-hate relationship with my job. At first, it's the excitment of starting a marketing job, a big firm, with international presence. Then came the stress of fitting in, it's really hard cos' i feel I stick out like a sore thumb. No fun. Then came caught in the midst of politics. No fun. Then now is to handle the pressure, of making mistakes, working within time frames, meeting deadlines... getting crap from managers. Going to work is like going on a battlefield sometimes. Battlefield spiritually though. My morning prayers have been, "Lord, give me grace to see me through this day. Keep my eyes focused on you, and I want to choose to give thanks for this job."

I am also learning, the art of giving thanks in every situation. The art of rejoicing in EVERY circumstances. It's really hard, to rejoice when you have been "made to feel stupid" by someone who laughed at the "sillyness" of your work. Then again, I'm reminded, that half a glass of water can be viewed as being half full, or half empty. I see it as half full. Really thankful when one of my mgrs came over to check on me, after fussing over one email blast that I was supposed to send out by the end of the day for the whole day, he actually came over to check if it's going well for me. Feels a bit taken care of, so appreciate it.

There's a senior mktg exec in the office, she like mother like tt... say if anyone bullies me, she'll go and scold them. haha.. v farnie, but I appreciate it too. Being taken care of... and a lot of times the things that I don't understand or know how to do, she'll check for me, get the impt stuffs from the mgrs for me, and chide them for not giving to me beforehand. haha... nice.

Life is not only about my job, I know. I'm still learning to strike the balance... I'm glad that I'm in church, I'm actively serving (or i think i am. haha) If I'm not actively serving.. I think it'd have been so easy to just stray away in the midst of busyness at work. Without Jesus, I won't have been able to not let the opinions of the people around me affect the way I see myself. That's like my biggest struggle now... to not let my motivation be the approval of man. My identity is in how God sees me... i'm valued by my r/s with God, not with others...

Like pastor said, "Let the fear of God overcome my fear of man".

So fast, it's been 3 days of work already. Before I know it the weekend is over! and It's monday!!! Hmmm.. geoff asked if i've got monday blues... so evil dude. Even if i have i wont tell u. Bleah.

The new job is good... I'm still learning a lot of new things, and am a little bored already. Cos right now they give me the v boring stuffs to do. hahaha.. i was so sleepy on fri... i even contemplated going to the loo and sit inside and zzz... in the end i went to get coffee. Although it's a large firm, they don't have coffee machine, no free coffee... missed the kopi machine at PAP.

Colleages have been great, the people in the mktg dept are all young and a bit bonkas.. haha.. i'm hoping to settle into a lunch grp soon! apparently, i think... there's 2 lunch grps. Hope to settle in the younger grp. hahaha but it's such a scary thing to wait for pple to ask u for lunch.. and so afraid tt no one will ask. oh man.

I believe that this job will really stretch and challenge me a lot. now it's already getting tough, i feel I don't know what to say... somehow they make me feel that the lines drawn btw work and personal is big, thick and bold... it's super political... it's crazy. I'm half dreading, half excited about tmr. at least it's induction, i guess it'll be rather relaxed. or at least i hope it is.

Juz on a gross sidenote, i saw a beetle abt 5cm in length.. DAMN BIG... at the stairs.. and i was sssoo scared! My godbro stepped on it and crushed it... yucks... the image of the dead, crushed beetle is still in my mine. I hope i dun get nitemares of beetles. :(

Arrr... last 2 days before that fateful day. Now I'm kinda dreading wednesday. haha...no more shopping in the afternoon, no waking up at 10am (or sometimes 12pm!!), no more afternoon skating at ECP, no more playing bball in the evening, no more STEP mtgs. I've a love-hate relationship with weds. On the one hand, im excited that it'll be the start of a new phase in my life. Well, on the other hand, it means time to grow up, more responsibilities, time to learn balancing my life well... so many things. Brrr..

Went to AeM wedding on sat. I fell in love with red roses!! Used to think that red roses are passe and "normal" and "common"... but the way the church was decorated with red roses... it was ssssoooo nice...!! & with the red petals scattered ard... oooohhhh so nice!! The church wedding was beautiful... the bride is beautiful (*winks*). This was the first time i went to a wedding with a dinner reception at the end... it was buffet dinner. Very nice.. the whole feeling was really really nice. =) I thoroughly enjoyed the night... Supposed to meet Mel, Jas and ting after tt but was too far at Jurong, the church was at thomson. Then supposed to go to Cliff's party in the night.. but.. boy i was too tired. end up didnt go for both. haha.

I've got a job. =) Accepted the offer just on thurs! I've been very blessed during this job search process. Today, my friend commented that pple usu take a few mths to find a decent paying good job. I received calls for interviews within one wk of sending, got 3 offers out of the 7 who responded. I'm so blessed, and I've got the upper limit of the salary that I've been praying for! God is indeed v v good to me. I've been really blessed. Thank you for praying for me, this time of trial has been one of anxiety, learning to let go, and learning to trust. I hope I scored well for this trial.haha

So, starting work on weds. I don't think I'm prepared, but i think I can never be prepared enough. I'll miss the flexibility of time, the afternoons spent alone at ECP, the late nights, the late mornings... most of all, I'll miss STEP sessions. It's not only about the things I learnt, more than that, it's the fellowship, the time spent, the fun I had, the moments of drawing near. I'll miss it thoroughly, but I know, I need to learn to rely more on God than anyone.

I've always desired to make a difference, to help my spiritual children to grow and develop into the men/women that God has ordained them to be. I seek and ask for the right methodology, the right tasks, the right things to do. But realised that at the end of the day, it's the right heart that matters. It's to pray, and to love. Recently, God has impressed upon me, that love is patient, love is kind. To love is to be patient... patiently see them being successful. Teach me to love Lord. Gal, thank you for sharing this journey, thank you for trusting me, even when u know I may not always be right, but I know God is, and He's in control. =)

Just had a scary interview yday! I think the interviewer's objective is juz to intimidate me. hahaha I actually found out from Y, that V has went to the co. for an interview b4. (They're all my uni friends... do proj tog last sem) I went to ask V abt it on msn, she gave me a cold shoulder and told me tt she and P both went and got rejected. I was wondering how she ever knew tt she's rejected, usu pple will just not call. Was a little upset tt she was like so cold over the conversation and totally don't want to share abt the co... but after going thro the interview, i guess i know why she says she's rejected. tt interviewer actually told me he got ask pple to leave 10 mins into the interview. Some pple he intimidated so much that they din come for the interview after his 1st round on the phone interview.

The Lord has taught me, that for every door that is open, he's the one who opens it. For every door that's closed, the Lord has allowed it. I'm really thankful, that as i look back, i know God has blessed and granted me favor. The interviewer commented that he has been more lenient to me than the rest.. prob the Lord's work that he doesnt understand why too. haha.. when he asked his subordinate, the manager to tok to me, he said the mgr will ask even tougher qns. On the contary, i felt i performed better with the mgr than w the director. As I look back, I know it's God lah, not me le.

Now just waiting for their call. He promised to call by mon to fix an appt w all the big shots. So just one last round... pray with me. Last round I hope!!